| Nov. 1st, 2006 @ 12:09 pm Stop and Smell the Roses (journal for class) |
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For three days, I was essentially a monk. The Thich Nhat Hanh retreat that I went to definitely brought up new questions and challenges in terms of my self study, but it also inspired some unexpected conclusions.
I’ll be honest, when I first got to the retreat, I was immediately turned off. The monks didn’t stop smiling and everything was done in slow motion. It seemed surreal, and it seemed that everyone was in some kind of enlightened hypnotized trance that I didn’t understand and didn’t want to be a part of. For example, every time they rang the bell, we had to stop whatever we were doing and close our eyes and find “our home” within ourselves. It almost seemed that I was joining some sort of isolated cult, which is the opposite of what I thought Buddhism was about. It was my opinion that Buddhism was individualistic and not about joining a group with a specific belief system that worshiped an idol Buddha. In hindsight, it’s interesting to note my dramatic change in opinion of the retreat after being there for three days.
The idea of Buddhism always appealed to me in the past. To be honest, the reality of life can be extremely exhausting for me. I don’t like the face paced modern world that I have been forced into. I hate being bogged down by endless responsibilities and worrying about money or daily seemingly unimportant tasks. Sometimes I find it hard to be genuine and socialize with others who are insincere or lack genuine energy. I thought if I turned to Buddhism that all my problems would be solved, which may have been too high an expectation for one weekend or one religion.
The majority of the weekend was spent hearing lectures, meditating, and small group discussion as well as enjoying the silence in each other’s company. Much of the lectures were spent trying to understand true happiness and suffering. Ning, one of the monk’s from the Plum Village studying under Thich Nhat Hanh said that, “living in the present moment is indescribable happiness for me… we can condition ourselves to be happy because you can come back to the present moment and have the ability to touch happiness.” Under this practice, meditation is used to store “positive energy seeds” which can later be used when upset or sad as one can “use mindfulness to embrace negative feelings” (Ning). This gives reason behind practice because the more one meditates, the more mindful positive thoughts one has stored up for later use when there may be suffering. From observation, I can testify that this method must work or the monks were putting up an incredible show as they all seemed incredibly content. The monks smiled easily the entire time I was there. Everything was done with such positive energy, and it was quite refreshing and comforting. It was also hard to understand, especially as a beginner meditation student, but it definitely gives one motivation to practice meditation to achieve such total and genuine happiness.
We followed the same schedule that a traditional monk would, which I appreciated being able to actually experience as it is far different than just reading about. We woke up early to watch the sunrise and enjoy morning exercise, which ultimately ended up translating to yoga in the dark. After, we mindfully walked to breakfast we ate together in silence for an hour. I always liked the idea of eating slowly and truly tasting the food. Eating mindfully is as challenging as it is rewarding; it’s something that I definitely want to continue to practice outside from the weekend. I am not sure rice has ever tasted so good or I’ve ever spent the time to recognize where the rice may have come from. I tried to savor every bite and identify the taste and texture, recognizing all the hard work that went into providing me with the dish.
This food is the gift of the whole universe; the earth, the sky, numerous living beings, and much hard loving work. May we eat with mindfulness and gratitude so as to be worthy to receive this food. May we recognize and transform our unwholesome mental states, especially our greed. May we take only food that nourishes us and prevents illness. We accept this food so that we may nurture our brotherhood and sisterhood, build our sangha, and nourish our idea of serving living beings (Touching).
I’ll admit it was frustrating to come back to dinner with my friends who had not been on the retreat, and I have to remind myself not to be judgmental. I’m not even sure what some realize they ware putting in their bodies as they are too distracted by conversation to notice the food.
I remember watching one of the older monks from Plum village take a sip of water as he did so with incredible mindfulness and thought, not rushing but actually taking the time to drink with complete awareness. He raise the glass to his lips, took a small mouthful, closed his eyes, swished the liquid in his mouth for an remarkable and thoughtful amount of time before finally swallowing, focusing on the glass as he set it back down (Touching). I tried to eat as mindfully and as concentrated as he but often was distracted or impatient. It’s actually quite satisfying and alternatively taxing to constantly be so mindful. It hardly felt like eating, but rather seemed more like studying or meditating. Rudee, one of the older monk’s from Plum Village whose English wasn’t perfect said, “if you read a magazine and eat, you’re eating the magazine, if you watch tv and eat, you’re eating the tv, if you talk to your friends and eat, you’re eating your friends… if you really want to eat, eat your food, if you don’t want to eat, don’t eat.” I can relate to appreciating and enjoying eating but sometimes I think it is okay to talk and eat or to eat while doing something, like eating popcorn at the movies; I like to go out to eat with my friends, but here it seems like there is no overlap. In this same sense, one can only commit to thinking about one activity at a time as one cannot mindfully multitask (Touching). Conclusively, while mindful meditation was good for the retreat, I am not sure I can continue this practice all of the time, especially as I have to rush around in my daily life and have things to do. At the same time, should I not bother to eat if I can’t completely focus on eating? I will continue to research eating meditation through my self study and also general research.
After eating, we sat in silence until we no longer wanted to and went to wash our own dish. Everyone washed their own dishes as “if they were the Buddha’s bottom” which could be translated to washing Jesus, if Christian, or just simply being mindful and treated the dishes with respect (Touching). The monks kept emphasizing that doing the dishes was fun and was meant to be enjoyed. I’m not sure I perceived the work as fun, but I do appreciate the concept, and I definitely didn’t feel burdened by participating in this chore.
After eating, we practiced different mediations- sitting, chanting, walking, and resting mediation. To me, I am too distracted by sitting meditation to get anything significant out of it. While I am not giving up and will continue to practice, I cannot help but be honest. I have come to realize that I like my thoughts, as annoyed by them as I may be at times. After sitting for an hour without moving can be quite hard on my body, especially as I tried to be especially still as to not disturb those around me. But as my mind wanders, my legs fall asleep. Inevitably, I’m thinking about being hungry, how this is boring, okay thinking about my breath again, what my family would think if they could see me now, what the person next to me is thinking, back to my breath, what’s that noise, focus, breath, breath, tired of thinking of my breath, et cetera… “"Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again....... Breath is a tool. Breath itself is mindfulness” (Hanh, 25).
One instance during sitting meditation, I opened my eyes. I stopped focusing on myself and my self-centered breath and looked around. I was sitting across from a very happy monk, deep in meditation. He was concentrating on something- or nothing, I’m not sure. His concentration seemed remarkable as he hardly moved. He looked so content and so sure of his practice. What surprised me was how sure of himself he seemed, as there wasn’t a hint of doubt on his smiling face. This monk was apparently enlightened because of his practice with meditation, and it was overwhelming to witness. His belief was so different than mine yet he was just as passionate if not more so in his creed. I can’t really explained what happened next, or claim to be enlightened, but I can’t ignore what happened. It was a feeling of calmness and greatness at the same time and was the most significant epiphany I have ever had to date. I realized that I was Christian, and I can’t ignore it any longer. I may not be a good Catholic or even go to church regularly, but I do believe in God. I realized that I am not alone is this world and it’s not just about me. I don’t want to shut my eyes and focus on my breath and Buddhism isn’t right for me. It’s not enough and that isn’t what this world is about. I understand the need for focusing on yourself, loving yourself even, but for that to be the ultimate objective seems ridiculous to me only because there must be a presence connecting this world that makes things and people matter. I realized it can’t be just the here and now because there I felt something so much more than that. Maybe I was in a daze or maybe I was just trying to read something that wasn’t there, but my world changed. I know that God isn’t a part of everyone’s life, but I don’t think God should be. It’s incredibly hard to explain or even to know what happened- but something clicked when I least expected it to.
After this, I needed to remove myself from the group and went for a walk to be alone. I thought about my importance in the world, something I incessantly tend to neglect, and the beauty of individualism and personal thought. How different people can live their lives and call it happiness. As much as I was smiling and enjoying focusing on myself, I can’t admit to every feeling ecstatically happy at any one point during the retreat. While not completely joyful, I did appreciate stepping back and being aware of my surroundings and action in a mindful pursuit. “Breathing in I calm my body. Breathing out I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment” (Hanh, 10). Thich Ntah Hanh truly believes that living in the moment will result in complete satisfacation and happiness, believing that this can be achieved through constant mindful meditation.
While satisfied with my newfound mindfulness from the sitting meditation, I continued to be slightly frustrated with the fundamentals of sitting still for so long. I find it hard to practice focusing on my breathing when I don’t really care if my mind wanders or not. I was excited to learn about walking meditation, which is something I had yet to begin practicing in my self study. Initially, I find walking meditation comfortable and more befitting to me. I was able to use my steps to guide my focus and concentrate on me without feeling awkwardly stiff and out of place. It was actually quite relaxing, and I submit to practice walking meditation more as I continue to study Buddhism or at least go on walks more.
I may never be able to call myself Buddhist but already I have seen a significant change in the pace of many of my daily activities.
"We should be able to bring the practice of meditation hall into our daily lives. We need to discuss among ourselves how to do it. Do you practice breathing between phone calls? Do you practice smiling while cutting carrots? Do you practice relaxation after hard hours of work? These are practical questions. If you know how to apply meditation to dinner time, leisure time, sleeping time, it will penetrate your daily life, and it will also have a tremendous effect on social concerns" (Hanh, 35).
Maybe it’s because I have lived in Thailand for the past few mints or maybe it’s practicing mindful meditation. I can’t say that it doesn’t annoy me when people rush everywhere and don’t pay attention to the present moment, especially those who incessantly look towards the future. At the same time, while my practice has made me more mindful in my everyday life, I’m not sure that I will further pursue meditating on a regular basis by myself.
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be a monk? check.
as a ps: I absolutly love Thailand... this place suits me and it's going to be hard to leave next month.... |
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